manage a difficult conversation with emotional intelligence

I know this sounds paradoxical because often the thing that motivates us to have difficult conversations in the first place is the hope that we could be understood, that we could change somebody's perspective, that we could have a different outcome for the benefit of ourselves. This person that I want to talk to about these things that are bothering me, what's probably bothering. /MediaBox [0.0 7.9200063 612.0 799.92] We all have conversations wed rather avoid, from opening up to your partner about sex to having. /ca 1 When we are overwhelmed, a part of our brain tends to shut down to protect itself. 3 0 obj So these skills are hard one, but yay to you for doing them. /Font << I am going to be loading you up with all kinds of resources today. /Contents 21 0 R If that's feeling super-duper hard to do on your own, always okay to reach out for help. We all too often react to a story we make up about what someone has done to us, says Bob Kantor, founder, Kantor Consulting Group. /Title (Difficult Conversations) By clicking Accept All, you consent to the use of ALL the cookies. Or how do I broach a very important subject with my partner who I love very much, but about a situation that feels kind of unsustainable for me in our relationship? There's so much. Understand how to deliver feedback and constructive criticism effectively If you find yourself caring way too much about what someone else said or did, even when the actual impact on you is minimal, you may be in an enmeshed state. /F8 14 0 R Come on, let's stop that. And really, they're not even aware that they're doing it, but making little faces or the eye rolls their partners being like, Never mind, I'm done. Let's go get ice cream. Or something like that. If you are in a healthy relationship with someone who loves you and cares about you as much as you love and care about them, it turns into an openness and willingness to exchange ideas. endobj Perhaps the first and most important thing is to recognize that your dislike of another person boils down to the feelings you have towards them, saysDrew Bird, founder of The EQ Development Group. . Many people avoid having difficult conversations because they are afraid of conflict. We are all human emotions and feeling are an important part of who we are building your emotional intelligence and awareness will help you next time you have one of those courageous conversations. And so, to be very, again, self-aware of how when you were having a difficult conversation and feel yourself going into that sort of space of judgment or blame or criticism or let me rebuttal your idea, would encourage you to move into a space of listening and understanding, open ended questions that are really focused on helping the other person feel heard and respected and cared for by you so that they feel emotionally safe with you and are able to talk about who they are, what they believe, the things that are important to them, and finally be moving into a place of what kind of relationship they would like to have with you. Red Hat and the Red Hat logo are trademarks of Red Hat, Inc., registered in the United States and other countries. And our role in difficult conversations is to learn what those are. I thought a nice mood setter for our topic today. You can't tell the internal experience that they're having. >> Right? document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); Learn More About Our Marriage Counseling, Relationship Coaching, Premarital Counseling, Dating Coaching, Life Coaching, Career Coaching or Transformational Therapy: Copyright 2021 Growing Self Counseling & Coaching, different opinions on politics, having an issue with someone's parenting styles, or gently pointing out subconscious bias in, While there is something to be said for knowing when to mind your own business and respect the. That feels like an affront to what I believe people should be. And getting really clear, too, around what is my desired outcome when we are done talking about this, what would I like to have be different? This requires you to be fully and actively engaged not multi-tasking. Theyre the ones that usually make us feel apprehensive, uncomfortable often they are referred to as courageous conversations as they usually require some courage to have the conversation in the first place. Nicky Clough presents Managing Difficult Situations Assertively on 27th September 12.30-1.30. Be curious about what is causing someone to say or act the way they are behaving. Quiz: Do You Need Therapy or Life Coaching? Would I like just to feel more connected and like we're not tiptoeing around each other or not talking about the elephant in the room? We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. >> /F7 13 0 R >> Just kind of like shift away and let everybody calm back down again. Interestingly, the way that your brain changes in these moments is that the most highly evolved and most human parts of our brainsthe newest parts of our brain structure, the neocortexthe part where we're able to have empathy for others, the part where our language skills are housed, the part that allows us to take a big picture perspective or do any kind of if-this-then map kind of advanced planning, our executive functioning skills. If you cant beat them, join them in a personality assessment, that is. Subscribe. I highly recommend the book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Cant Stop Talking and its accompanying TEDTalk., [ Read also: 10 TED Talks for introvertsand5 big myths about introverts in IT]. << 1 0 obj You do not have to tell them why. They don't want to get into a fight. Traditional intelligence (IQ) means understanding a problem and using that understanding to work things out, to provide a solution. And it's beyond the scope of this podcast. And while that is certainly valid and generally the motivation that leads us to have courage and wade into these conversations, I would like to offer you a perspective that is much more likely to help the situation end well and lead to all of those desired outcomes. So how can we be more intelligent and effective in these tricky situations, how can we be Emotionally Intelligent? But this, this is how do we create connection through difficult conversations. This approach was created by William Ury several years ago when he published his book under the same name. I hope that this episode leaves you with some actionable ideas for how to increase your confidence in high-stakes conversations, and provides you with strategies for increasing your emotional intelligence and communication skills in the process. Ensure that the conversation is based on constructive intentions and communicate those openly., Doing this consistently takes a lot of practice and emotional intelligence. What do I need to do right now to shift my thoughts back into a constructive and compassionate mindset? /ExtGState << /Width 3840 And where is it actually, not just appropriate, but important to set very real and firm boundaries with people and protect yourself. This is particularly true in light of the increased levels of stress and sensitivity so many of us are experiencing currently, both in the workplace and at home. Let's talk about what's really hard because the other critical piece of having an effective, constructive, difficult conversation means moving past what's going on with you and how you're feeling and what you would like to talk about, and what is your desired outcome, and setting that aside. Then be direct. Particularly as we are heading into the holiday season in the midst of a contentious political season and with so many stressors and strains and angst and very real issues that people are facing. And on the other side of this, for people to be absolutely resistant to any ideas about social justice issues or race or culture and the very real impact on people because of that and how they, by virtue of their own privilege, are participating in those things, whether or not they know it consciously, shutting all that down. Why do I think that way? One of my favourite definitions is simply being intelligent about emotions. I can feel even a little shaky. /Font << In critical conversations, avoid triggering the fight-or-flight threat response by creating a sense of safety, says Azulay. Learn how to really develop a closer, more satisfying connection. Rather, its about appreciating the others point of view, going beyond your motivations, and trying to understand why they think the way they do. /Type /Page So, either grab a pencil and notebook or open up a note app. More and more we are all having to handle difficult situations and difficult conversations that we have never had to handle before. I just wanted to mention that as the go-to resource so that I don't have to say it 150 times over the course of this podcast. /StructParents 2 All rights reserved. How is the situation impacting me? and get really clear around what's going on inside of you and what it is that you would like to communicate to the person that you would like to communicate to. Which part of the episode was the most helpful? /Type /XObject Having unresolved, unspoken differences that feel vast, and un-discussable will lead to disconnection. You must have JavaScript enabled to use this form. Now, more than ever, I believe that we all need to learn and intentionally practice compassionate communication skills that can help us understand each other and build bridges to the center of shared meaning. >> We use cookies on our website to give you the most relevant experience by remembering your preferences and repeat visits. So, there are so many other little micro-skills that I'd love to give you. /Pages 2 0 R Those will breed resentment and this feeling of hopelessness and helplessness and, Well, it'll never be different. And all of these kind of narratives around, Well, that's just the way they are. That is incredibly destructive to a relationship. You can see them becoming flooded. So, jumping right in. In most cases its not the content of the conversation thats usually the known. But now that we've gotten that out of the way, when we think generally about what are the things that feel particularly difficult to talk about constructively, the things that we might even want to avoid or fear talking about, those are often the things that feel the most important. Next, demonstrate how the request would likely compromise those shared values: Given the scope of the enhancement and timeframe, we would not be able to thoroughly test it before releasing it to our clients. And what do I need to be doing, and not just saying, in order to show them that I care about them and that I love them and appreciate them, even if we have some differences. Also, Im a licensed psychologist, and I am a board-certified life coach. CK t /2 P Ju|^ws @Wt p[96Czku7 pi; DLc[ lJw9'u \P{#e*H] pA/Hz#rRwm u ;Rto NlJ-gtw \P;)5zQ. Because that sounds crazy, but that is actually what happens. Identify relationships where its worth having these conversations and those that require clearer boundaries. /Length 39500 And on the other side, the same person on the other side of the couch, who maybe has a more progressive orientation would say, I believe that human beings have inherent worth and that there are many different perspectives and ways of being that are all worthy of respect and appreciation. And who do I need to be right now in order to make that happen?. But opting out of some of these cookies may affect your browsing experience. Handling these situations is in fact, difficult. Dont allow your self-worth to hinge on them. But I think, yeah, let's go get a lemonade. /F10 15 0 R /F6 12 0 R It's probably time to get some professional help so you can be sitting with a relationship coach who's saying to either of you, like, Stop with the faces, what's going on? And help with some of the core beliefs or jumping to conclusions or helping around, like listening skills, developing empathy for each other. What are my intentions for this conversation? So, it's these little micro-moments. And I think I have the right to defend myself against people who want to take advantage of me. How do I stay connected to this person? Dorothy Deming is the director of education, content and operations at American Management Association. I just wanted to mention that as the go-to resource so that I don't have to say it 150 times over the course of this podcast. Want better relationships? So today we are going to be talking about why conversations feel so hard sometimes and strategies that you can use to face those moments not just courageously, but also with confidence and a sense of competence. /Contents 22 0 R So that's one little example. We all have trigger topicconversations wed rather avoid from opening up to your partner about sex, to having different opinions on politics, having an issue with someone's parenting styles, or gently pointing out subconscious bias in gender roles or racist stereotypes. Emotional intelligence: 5 tips for working with difficult people. I wanted to bring that up because we're talking about having difficult conversations with people and in relational contexts that are important enough and that you care enough about to do this kind of hard work, and those are the relationships that you want to invest in. /BleedBox [0.0 7.9200063 612.0 799.92] It's also very, very easy for couples to get incredibly polarized around who's right, who's wrong, what should we be doing. Is jealousy healthy in a relationship? You see it all the time in couples counseling. Required fields are marked *. I highly recommend that teams do personality profiles like Tilt, he says. We have so many articles and podcasts featuring expert advice both from myself and my amazing colleagues on the subjects of communication skills, empathy, emotional intelligence and more. So, I just mentioned all of these because when it comes to difficult conversations, the number one thing that we need, first of all, is courage. These cookies track visitors across websites and collect information to provide customized ads. Resources for you in that, I mean aside youre always welcome to do individual counseling or coaching. Tune in to the full interview to learn how you can engage in difficult conversations effectively and compassionately. /F11 16 0 R When you notice that either or both of you are at your limits, take a break to calm down. /F10 15 0 R If you wade into a difficult conversation without getting clarity around that in advance, it is very likely that the energy and intensity that goes along with saying those kinds of things for the first time will be perceived by the other person as critical, blaming, or even hostile or attacking. /Resources << Right? /StructParents 0 What are their core values? If you would like resources on boundaries, how to set boundaries, how to have healthy boundaries and still have friends, how to set boundaries with family members, how to avoid unhealthy guilt when you've set appropriate boundaries, again, I would refer you back to the blog at. We all have conversations wed rather avoid from opening up to your partner about sex to having different opinions on politics or parenting styles. Maybe its already part of your mindset. /StructParents 4 And if I work hard and make good choices, I should be rewarded. /F8 14 0 R Are you in an unhealthy relationship with food? Like, are you making little faces when other people are talking? /F7 13 0 R to bring yourself back into a better headspace and continue difficult conversations. /F10 15 0 R This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. I find that the simplest approach to dealing with difficult people and situations is to not take anything personally, Kantor continues. for podcasts and articles on all of those topics. When we are overwhelmed, a part of our brain tends to shut down to protect itself. I hope you do! And also be generous with other people who may not have had the benefit of listening to this podcast or doing the kind of personal growth work that you are so clearly invested in. I think they can do better. And so being able to have strategies in place to help you manage your emotions, understand what kinds of thinking or behaviors lead you to feel anxious or angry, and having a little toolbox of skills and strategies in place to help you feel calm is half the battle. Thus, you need to focus on people worth doing this hard emotional work. /XObject << That's all for today. Perhaps its giving feedback on poor performance to a junior colleague, a tough fee negotiation, delivering bad news to a client, saying no to your boss. Dorothy Deming is the director of education, content and operations at American Management Association. So, either way, there is a risk to your relationship, either through unproductive conflict or through avoidance. And unfortunately, that will happen whether or not we talk about it. Learn how empathy can help to manage emotions Lauren McNally is the director of the American Management Associations Womens Leadership Center (WLC), leading content, membership, events and corporate initiatives. You can also certainly do journaling and get this clarity on your own. Carla Rudder is a community manager and program manager for The Enterprisers Project. Team leads, Managers, Leaders, and all professionals who are looking to use emotional intelligence strategies to manage difficult situations and difficult conversations. What are their core values? Do I want something to change or just to feel understood? One of the reasons I have found that people often avoid confrontation. . /X4 11 0 R I mean, there's so much. So that's what we're doing today. I have learned to give difficult person some same and be very careful what you say to this person. Today, we are talking about how to tackle difficult conversations in such a way that they go as well as possible. And before you even get to that conversation, doing some very serious work around, what do they feel? /ProcSets [/PDF /Text /ImageB /ImageC /ImageI] That is not a situation that is likely to be mended no matter what you do. Often, they get worse! Avoid interrupting and take the time to ask open-ended questions, listen, and understand. Chris Owner CEL Financial Services When we can find the sweet spot between these two states, we are much better able to separate what happens out there from impacting what happens in your head, he says. They can't even continue in the conversation. Learn how to reject the diet mentality, trust your own judgment, and embrace genuine self-love. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Analytics". This is a result of what you know about them as well as your experiences with them at work. Did you like this interview? And if you have done a really good job of listening and understanding, that will be reciprocated. Fight? /MediaBox [0.0 7.9200063 612.0 799.92] And as a couples counselor, I can assure you that when I am working with a couple and each person on opposite sides of the couch is feeling victimized and mistreated and hurt and uncared for by their partner, when you walk into their perspective, you can understand why. That's your family, your spouse, your child, a colleague or an employee or a boss who you really want to have a future with. Having high emotional intelligence means you can step back from an emotionally charged situation and assess the steps you need to take. I will not let in what you're saying. That is when conversations just go down the tubes. But if you have been someone who has recently emailed me or gotten in touch through Facebook or on the blog at growingself.com or Instagram with a question about how do I handle talking to my elderly white aunt about her sort of internalized racism? Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. Instead, seek out supportive coworkers and colleagues. She is energized by supporting organizations that are working to develop women for future advancement through community and meaningful education. /G3 9 0 R And then, in addition to these ideas that can sort of help you grapple with conceptually what needs to happen in these moments of difficult conversations, a lot of my clients, either life coaching clients, relationship coaching clients, therapy clients, often find that it is much easier for them to have difficult conversations and be appropriately assertive when they've gotten really good at managing their emotions and going back to the emotional intelligence skills that we talked about in the beginning. Thanks for taking the time to listen to this episode and triple-thanks if you're one of the courageously kind, heart-centered people in the world committed to having respectful, difficult conversations that heal. /F11 16 0 R Like, are you making little faces when other people are talking? Now, you think that's hard? And what it looks like is that people will withdraw and not be able to talk anymore, or they go into attack mode. /Font << The tendency to avoid and withdraw can be pretty significant and to just be very explicitly reminding yourself, No, this is important, I have to do this. 6 0 obj In this episode of the podcast, I'm shining a light on what it really takes to courageously engage in difficult (and necessary, and respectful, and healing) conversations with the people you care the most about. 9 0 obj Its not about achieving your desired outcome but looking at the situation from their perspective and understanding why it makes sense. So, so much there. What do they need to hear from me so that they feel respected and understood, even if we have some differences? If we don't talk, we will become distant. Those are ideas that can help you find the courage to do it. Its when you ascribe a persons bad choices to character defects instead of considering the unique set of circumstances that led them to that choice. Lauren speaks on topics for women and diversity and inclusion through WLC, Training.com, HR.com and ATD conferences and virtual events. And so there's this distance and avoidance and it will atrophy relationships in a very real way, especially for couples, too. What is Emotional Intelligence? This can go a long way towards helping someone maintain a productive emotional state. Well, understanding your emotions helps you understand how you feel about a situation more fully, understanding your feelings and what drives them. 2 0 obj /ModDate (D:20200605193749+00'00') So, for example, if you are with someone who is being overtly racist to you or others or who is using abusive language or treating you badly, you can go ahead and leave. These are some habits you should avoid when youre in a difficult conversation. It happens all the time. /ca 1 Although, those thorny issues rarely go away, do they? There is tough stuff to talk about with friends, with family, with partners, with siblings, with ourselves. /TrimBox [0.0 7.9200063 612.0 799.92] With this method, Kantor explains, you sandwich your nobetween two instances of yes. He shares this example: If a business leader makes a request for a product feature or development timeline that is not reasonable, say yes to the values you hold in common that might conflict with their request: Our firm has always made quality a top priority and underpromised while over-delivering to our customers. 1 Castleton Road, Hazel Grove, Stockport SK7 6LB, Web: And if you are going into interactions with people with very not just sincere intentions, but strategies and skills like the ones we've been talking about today, you have the right to be respected and to also be heard, not necessarily agreed with, but understood. IRS Registered Tax Preparer >> /Type /Pages Why does EQ matter? When you notice that either or both of you are at your limits, take a break to calm down. They doubt their own competence to handle the conflict. Why do they feel the way that they feel? This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. We grow when we are challenged to grow. To be able to say, Thank you so much for telling me how you feel when I see it from your point of view, I understand why that makes sense. /Type /Page Handling these situations is in fact, difficult. >> How would you like people talking about you like that?, You can also simply change the subject and refuse to participate,she suggests. This is the path of growth. And what do I need to do to bring myself back down emotionally so that I am in a place where I can speak, not just speak respectfully, but also really genuinely maintain my ability to have compassion and empathy for the human that I am attempting to connect with right now, who is important to me? /G3 9 0 R What is my desired outcome? P.S. A stereotypical Republican say, kind of belief system at the highest and best says something like, I am a hardworking, responsible person who I have tried really hard to make good choices and I have a pretty good life because of it. /Resources << How to Have Difficult Conversations on Spotify. Why is this important for me? /Parent 2 0 R /Contents 17 0 R This is what has to happen. We can help you find the right executive coach, partner, or solution to meet your needs. Emotional intelligence means understanding, first of all, how you are feeling and what is going on inside of you that is leading you to feel that particular way. Crucial conversations are essential. Is it okay if I share with you how I have been viewing this and what my values are and why this sometimes feels distressing for me when these things are happening, particularly in the context of our relationship, which I care very much about, by the way. It's hard to have someone be like, and rare, I will say, to have someone say like, No, uh-huh. But go back to the blog at growingself.com and look communication strategies and you'll find all kinds of podcasts, articles, little things that you might not even notice there. /Font << /BleedBox [0.0 7.9200063 612.0 799.92] The world needs you! << Dont share intimate information with gossipmongers. /F7 13 0 R Marriage Counseling & Relationship Coaching, Professional Development & Career Coaching. Your internal dialogue should be, Listening ListeningListening.. We have to be brave and be the ones who bring difficult things out into the light with the people we love so that we can have relationships that are based on authenticity, respect, vulnerability, and compassion and connection. Not bottling them up can have a positive effect on your well-being, productivity and importantly your relationships. Thank you for sharing those with me. Appreciation is even more, I think, affirming and conducive to emotional safety and constructive conversations. ,$K\asA; YHSQ O*`fU( u x } _Eh X @w {+ w V yUw P/; 0Nk.

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